So I find myself with two whole weeks in the beginning of July where I have the possibility to do something by myself, for myself. To follow my dreams and do whatever it is that makes my heart sing. I don’t have to think about taking responsibility for anyone or anything. I can totally go for it and be free. I can imagine to most of you who read this, that this sounds totally amazing. Or? Well, this is my feeling around this right now:
It. Freaks. Me. Out.
Literally! It completely freaks me out. Why? Because it makes me super-aware of the fact that I am terrible at following what makes my heart sing. I realize what a big proportion of my life I have spent suppressing my desires. My wants. My needs. My longings. My dreams. My freedom. I have allowed myself only at specific times and in certain situations to fully express this. But not all the time. And as a result, I find myself fumbling in the dark when thinking about what it is I want when I have two weeks completely for myself.
It seems to me that I live my life unconsciously believing: it’s not for me, this life where I can dream big and follow my dreams. So I keep myself small. Only allowing myself this feeling of endless possibility sometimes. This feeling of doing something that might be somewhat irresponsible but just is terribly fun. Or I find myself doing something else: I do things that everyone/society labels as fun but that just don’t resonate with me.
As a result, I suppress my life energy so I easily get tired. Exhausted even. I effort a lot and the dreaming-part of me gets covered under all this efforting. Until I reach a point where I can’t touch it anymore. Which is where I currently find myself.
Wait a minute, you might think now: what about you moving to Spain? What about you educating yourself to become a Holistic Counselor? What about you writing? Does that not make your heart sing? My answer is YES. All of those things truly, deeply make (and made) my heart sing. So what do all of these things have in common? They all emerged when I found myself in a space of quiet inside myself. When I slowed down enough in my life to the point where I felt that I had space for real. Not just an hour here or a day there in between a lot of efforting, but True Space over time. And then my dreams and desires just appear by themselves. And it all of a sudden gets quite easy to follow them as well. Because I realize that I’m not stuck in anything, I can always move. It’s just so easy to forget this truth, in the midst of a busy life.
So what has happened gradually over time, I believe, is that I’ve efforted too much. I started my own company and have been way too focused on making money. I’ve lived for months and months through a long and dark winter like the saying: Too much work, too little play. Even though I have really tried to relax from work, apparently it hasn’t been enough. So here I find myself right now. Two whole weeks to myself soon, and no clue as to how I want to fill these. But when I sit here and write this, some words start to emerge inside me. They are:
Warm weather
Pool
Beautiful surrounding
Writing
Good food
Good bed
Doing something crazy and fun
Being Poolside! It’s the freakin’ name of my company even?! So that’s what I’m going to do: look for a pool somewhere, and see where that gets me. Do you have any tips of places that would fit the above? Please let me know!
To be continued….
Photo: Bruce Christianson – unsplash.com