You know that feeling of knowing that something in your life is not right but ignoring it for a long time? You just know it in your gut but you make a choice every day to ignore it and keep doing the things you are doing. Because it:

feels safe
provides money
*insert whatever your mind (Lennart) tells you*

A couple of years ago the result of this ignoring became so obvious in my life that there was no way around it anymore. I had literally drained all energy from my body so it had become a serious thing to move myself from my couch to my kitchen table (we’re talking three steps).  My body had been trying to tell me that something was not right for such a long time but I just chose to ignore its signals until I ended up unable to muster the energy to even go to the mailbox, let alone to my work.

At that low-point, somewhere deep down inside myself I managed to connect with my gut feeling which told me that there must be something more to life. So off I went and embarked on an extensive track of courses in personal development, trying to solve what I believed to be a super-advanced life puzzle that I had just been louzy at figuring out.

Since then I have done a lot of deep, wild and sometimes pretty scary stuff. To honestly face yourself is not something that’s always pleasant, believe me. My mantra during these times: Go All-In. It felt like either I go for this figuring out life-thing 100% or I will just spend the rest of my life in some sleep-like state and that just did not feel like an option to me.

So did I figure it all out? Well of course not. Naturally as many of us I still feel stuck in my darkness and confused a lot of times. But you know what? Nowadays at least I’m awake, aware and totally OK with that. To me, a great misconception is that we people tend to define feeling our darkness as bad and something we have to get rid of. And so off we go and chase things like:

eternal happiness
peace of mind
*insert what-/whoever you believe will complete you*

So why am I OK even though I sometimes feel stuck my darkness? It’s really very simple. Because that’s part of life, and I want to live it to the fullest with everything included. My happiness and my fears. My perfect and my messy. My ecstasy and the darkness inside me. I wouldn’t have it any other way anymore.

I now know that feeling bad and feeling good are just labels we put on the same things: feelings that move through us but that do not define who we are. The key is to surf the waves in life instead of allowing them to drown us. Or as the saying on my refrigerator magnet goes:

Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass. It’s about learning how to dance in the rain.

I have learned that what I am looking for in life is not something I will find outside myself, neither in the form of things or people. The trick is to go inside instead. And for me this has proven to be the greatest adventure I have ever embarked on!

Half a year ago I came to the final conclusion that my workplace was not the right fit for me anymore. It hadn’t been right for me for some time but I had chosen to ignore it and once again my body was yelling at me pretty loudly. At the same time I longed for a more extensive period of time for reflection. I have noticed that when my longing becomes grounded and deep, the universe has a great way of responding. So six months later here I am in Spain of all places.

Today I am not trying to solve a life puzzle anymore. Instead I remind myself of the words by the indian mystic Osho:

Life is not a puzzle to be solved. It’s a mystery to be lived and enjoyed.

If you are interested to know more about training in personal development, check out courses at Baravara vid Siljan (in Sweden) and Path Retreats (worldwide).

Photo: Jeremy Bishop – unsplash.com