The Swedish news just reported that Stockholm (where I live) has not had a single hour of sunshine since November 28th. That’s 11 days without seeing the sun! Today we have exactly 6 hours and 18 minutes of daylight and the rest of the time it’s pitch-black outside. I know I voluntarily moved to this city and country but jeez…
I remember a phone call with my best friend in March during which we both concluded how glad we were that self-isolating and ‘everything else pandemic’ at least would occur during spring- and summertime. Oh, how blissfully unaware we were!
It’s almost Christmas and it feels to me like it wasn’t that long ago I decorated a tree. 77 days after Christmas I got covid-19 and well, the rest you can read in the Corona Chronicles I’ve kept since then.
Today is my 9-month covidaversary. Nine months, that’s a whole pregnancy!
I wish I could write on this day that I was fully recovered. That would’ve been so wonderful! The best Christmas present ever. But my body still needs more time, I feel that very clearly. Lately though, my status has shifted: where I previously felt more or less the same level of physical imbalance/illness, I nowadays feel that my bad days are worse but my good days are better. I choose to see this as a positive sign! It’s beyond amazing to have a good day, let me tell you. I suddenly feel lots of glimpses of how my body feels when it’s healthy. I’ve totally forgotten how this feels and it makes me so happy to experience more of these moments. During my bad days I tend to disappear for hours and dive into The Crown (so beautifully filmed and brilliantly acted), documentaries about the Royal House of Windsor (that family fascinates me), Peaky Blinders (Cillian Murphy is hot!) or Virgin River (I want to move there). I’ve written it before, but thank god for Netflix! Oh, and books. Preferably about Christmas on a small island off the coast of Scotland or a bookshop in London, friendly people and some dogs or cats.
Yesterday I had a bad day and I cried again. It has been a while since I did that! Sometimes I have moments when I just feel overwhelmed by it all. And oftentimes on my bad days I feel quite numb too. After nine months I feel like I’ve tried absolutely everything to get better and nothing so far has resulted in full recovery. It is what it is. I write this to people these days: it is what it is. I even have a fridge magnet with the same words.
I am still not recovered: it is what it is.
I long to travel to the Netherlands and see my family and friends again but it’s still not possible: it is what it is.
My teenagers have mandatory school-from-home again which, as every parent knows, is quite challenging to manage: it is what it is.
I live in a place with little daylight and sunshine during this season: it is what it is.
This might sound passive to you, like I have collapsed in my life? I don’t mean it like that, and I don’t feel like that either. Yes, I have moments of feeling numb or disappear in a Netflix-fog but not permanently and I feel energy shifting all the time. There just is something about acceptance that gives me peace. About being with whatever is happening, accepting that it is happening. Somehow this saves me a lot of energy. Instead of wishing that things would be different, I accept that they are what they are right now. It’s far from ideal, this year truly has been my annus horribilis, but this is my situation right now. And our situation, together. In the middle of the pandemic-waves that sweep through our countries we all find ourselves challenged, in one way or another. It is what it is.
Eckhart Tolle writes (I saw this on his Instagram):
Acceptance looks like a passive state, but in reality it brings something entirely new into this world. That peace, a subtle energy vibration, is consciousness.
I will spend the remaining days of this year 2020 probably in different shades of grey and dark weather, inside my wonderful and Christmas-decorated house. With a roof over my head and food in my fridge (and a whole drawer full of different teas). With my family who are alive and money left in my bank account. Having gained so much more insights and wisdom compared to just one year ago. All of this I treasure, and I realize once again my enormous privilege in life.
I wish you peaceful holiday days, wherever you are on this globe. Soon we will leave this year behind us and start a whole new one. May it bring us joy and health!
With love ♥
Photo: Aaron Burden – unsplash.com